I've subscribed now to the fact that these blogs will just be for times like this: random moments where I have a thought or a feeling I want to share.
I just finished watching the movie "Are You Here" which was written (and I believe directed) by Matthew Weiner. It started Amy Poehler, Owen Wilson, and Zach Galifiankis.
Neda and I started watching it about three weeks ago, and found the first 40 minutes or so to be kind of boring. Tonight, she fell asleep while watching another movie, so I thought I'd give it a finish.
Watch this movie. That's the simplest I can put it. The second half of this movie really stood on its own. I found myself relating to so many parts of it. Feeling numb, or like you've lost your edge; like you've wasted time on earth. Like you haven't fulfilled your potential. I don't want to ruin this movie for you, but it was a really beautiful film. I found the ending to be sad, but only in the most beautiful way.
There was a scene in the movie where one of Owen Wilson's character looked at his love interest with this feeling that she inspired him to be a better person. My first instinct was to think "does my girlfriend make me feel that way?"
Then, as the film progressed, this overwhelming message hit me. This feeling of how we get so wrapped up in what we think we deserve or are entitled to engulfs us, and ruins us. It, and therefore we, deprive ourselves of happiness.
I immediately thought: I shouldn't be asking myself if she makes me feel that way. I should be asking myself if I make her feel that way.
I'm not ashamed to say that it brought me to tears. That revelation of the mind; realizing that my instinct is to put my needs before others, and being disgusted with the selfishness in that.
This is what is robbing our generation of happiness. Monogamy. That feeling of fulfillment. It isn't Tinder, or technology, or dick pics, or cell phones, or books like the game. It's us.
We don't deserve happiness. We haven't earned it.
Ronda Rousey said on Joe Rogan's podcast the last time she was on, that "we aren't entitled to happiness." I think I finally feel what she meant by that.
I think we tell ourselves how we aren't selfish all the time, to avoid addressing where we are selfish: "I make people laugh as a comedian, so I give back."
What a cop out. That's as much about loving myself and my own intelligence and cleverness and appeal as it is entertaining an audience. It's a selfless as eating the last piece of food so others don't fight over it.
It's easy to point outwards in life when we aren't happy or feel slow, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
I think if we want to be happy, we have to earn it by making others happy first.
...but there I go being clever again.